Leave
by FranklyMyDear89
Summary: I knew that there was a strain between all of us, but I thought that if I could just deal with things quickly, get this war won and bring peace, then it would never actually come to a head. FemCourier. Language.
1. Chapter 1

Veronica and I stumbled quickly out of the elevator, dumping our haul unceremoniously on the floor by the computer. I waved to Cass, who was sitting at the desk in the master bedroom, her dusty boots propped up on the corner, while Veronica went straight to the fridge and pulled out a Nuka-Cola, petting an enthusiastic Rex when he bounded up to her. ED-E hovered for a moment while I began sorting through the junk at my feet, deciding what to sell and what to hang onto, but then he silently glided into the game room where Raul and Arcade we playing a hand of Caravan. Boone was in there as well, leaning against the wall in the far corner. I quirked my lips into a quasi-grin when I heard the reason why everyone was avoiding the other half of the suite; Lily was snoring loud enough to wake the dead, and even with the door to the spare bedroom closed, it reverberated through the dingy walls.

I quickly entered into the computer the items I'd be selling it, if that even made sense. I never really figured out why it was possible to sell things here, other than the fact I could buy things for the suite; I supposed Mr. House had some kind of storage level for all the junk, since no one else seemed to be using it. Where the caps were even coming from, was a mystery to me. I scrolled through the items available, deciding we could use another wardrobe, now that we had Arcade staying here too, and ordered it before logging off.

Veronica sidled up to me as I hefted what was left – mostly food – and moved it slowly to the kitchen. She attempted to take some of it, but I shook my head and she backed off. I knew it was weird, but I liked doing it myself once we got home; she'd had to carry a lot on our trip, and it was a long one too, all the way from the Mojave Outpost. She deserved a break.

"So what are we picking up?" she asked as I set the freeze-dried food on the counter. I figured the rest could wait a minute, and snagged a box of Insta-Mash.

I shrugged as I chewed, using one hand to hold the box and the other to open the fridge and set in three of the Sunset Sarsaparilla we'd found. "I'm just gonna grab some of the radscorpion glands I left in the desk last time. Might stop through Primm and get few casseroles from Ruby." It was an excuse; I'd probably just sell them at the Gun Runners when I stopped by, but it would let them think I was doing something routine. "Why don't you stay and rest a bit? We did a lot of walking yesterday."

Veronica narrowed her eyes at me and set down her now empty soda bottle. "You're planning to do something dangerous again, aren't you?" she accused.

I tried my best to not let the flinch show on my face. I'd been wondering when they'd start catching on. "No," I lied. "I just thought I'd wander a bit. Boring stuff."

"You _always_ do this!" she yelled, causing the others to at least peer in our direction. I turned away from her, moving into the game room and setting down a stack of books I planned to read when I had the chance. She wasn't deterred, though. "Whenever something big comes along, you send us all back here and do it by yourself."

"That's not true – " I tried to deny, but she cut me off, obviously not finished.

"And you always come back half dead, and make Gannon fix you up," she continued, pointing at the bewildered looking man, as though he himself was evidence of my crimes. "Why can't we come along and actually help for once?"

I shook my head, not understanding that last part. "You help all the time."

"You know what I mean," she said dangerously, and I had to give her a little credit as Cass moved past her into the room. She leaned against the wall, much the way Boone was doing a few feet away. It looked like Lily, who was still snoring away, was the only one not witnessing my reprimand. "Don't you trust us? We trust you with our lives every day!"

I glared back at the girl, hoping it made her feel her age, which was still about half of mine. "It isn't about trust, Veronica."

"Then what _is_ it about?" Boone piped in, and I turned my glare to him, aware of the fact that it wouldn't work. What was this, Gang Up On Nicole Day? My look softened at the one he was giving me, though, and guilt swept over me. I'd been taking him out the least; only a handful of times since we nearly died at Bitter Springs.

I sighed, knowing I wouldn't get out of answering him. "Look, I've made some bad calls in the past. People died. If I can avoid doing that with any of you, I do." And that was the truth, even if it was a bit vague, so they'd have to deal with it.

"So what," Veronica started up again, "we're just supposed to go out when you don't need us? Otherwise, we're trapped up here?"

It sounded awful when she put it that way. "It isn't like that!" I exclaimed, exasperated. "I _do_ take someone with me when I need them."

"No, she's got a point," said Cass, stepping forward. "Usually the only thing you let us do is carry stuff for you. Raul gets to repair your stuff, but that's about it."

The ghoul sat up straighter and looked up from his cards at the mention of his name. "Hey, don't get me involved, _amiga_. If boss says that's the plan, then that's the plan. I like not having bullets whizzing by my head all the time. The strip is nice and quiet for an old man like me." I smiled a little, liking that at least one of them appreciated my efforts.

Arcade, who didn't bother looking up from his hand, nodded absently in agreement. "I'll second that," he said distractedly as he laid down another card.

Cass growled at him. "Cowards," she muttered. Neither seemed to take offense.

"You don't have to go out there by yourself all the time," Veronica said softly, bringing my attention back with her added seriousness. "What if you don't come back?"

I blinked. "I always come back."

"But what if you _don't_ and we could have done something to prevent it?" she pressed. "Would it be too much to ask to die _with_ you?" she mumbled, looking away from me.

I stepped closer to her, worried now at the turn the conversation had taken. "Veronica, don't say things like that," I said quietly.

Heat colored her face, and I could tell this was hard for her. "You don't have to die alone, Nicole," she said, voice full of conviction as she finally met my eyes again.

I smiled sadly for her and put my hand on her shoulder. "Everyone dies alone, mei mei," I said tenderly. "Please," I begged, "just wait here, I'll be back in a few days – "

Veronica shook her head and shrugged me off, as though to say I didn't get it. Cass groaned, heading back towards the doorway. "This is bullshit," she said through gritted teeth.

Feeling slapped by their reactions, I threw my long forgotten box of Insta-Mash on the ground, getting everyone's attention again. "Fine!" I yelled, holding up my hands in defeat. "Do whatever the fuck you want. You hate being here so much, then _leave_. I'm not stopping you." I grudgingly reached down for the abused box and went to throw it in the trashcan, my appetite soured. I turned back to my presently stunned looking audience. "Wait, don't wait, I don't…" Boone's movement cut off my words, and I felt my stomach drop as I watched him stride quickly for the elevator. I closed my eyes against the wave of emotion that threatened to pull me under. "I don't care," I finished stubbornly. No one else moved for a moment, probably as shocked as I was, but that moment of silence was all it took to propel me into motion. "I'm outta here," I breathed, ignoring the others as I grabbed a few supplies and made for the elevator myself.

Just before the doors slid shut, I heard Lily snort in her sleep. "Don't worry, dearie. Granny knows how to be quiet."

I shook as the lift took me down to the casino level, a little unbelieving at how quickly everything had gone to shit. I knew that there was a strain between all of us, but I thought that if I could just deal with things quickly, get this war won and bring peace, then it would never actually come to a head. Guess that's what I got for assuming they'd be content with being locked away from the world.

I circled the casino a time or two, trying to get a grip on myself, or at the very least keep from crying. I just couldn't get the images of them going off and getting killed out of my head. Veronica thought she was tough, but with just that power fist, it meant all of her fighting had to be done up close and personal, making all of her enemies that much more deadly. Cass could hold her own, of course, but what if she'd been drinking and wasn't clear-headed and some Fiend got a hold of her? And Boone… he had enough of a death wish, he'd go out of his way to get killed by the Legion.

That last thought sent me over the edge. I screamed and overturned the closest table, sending the booze and cigarettes crashing to the floor. I kicked a few chairs for good measure before I sunk to my knees. "I just wanted to keep them safe!" I yelled at the air, uncaring if it riled the Securitrons by the elevator. "Was that too much to ask?" I could feel the tears burning hot in my eyes, falling without remorse that they were disobeying me. I choked on another scream, needing fresh air. The stuffiness of the stagnant casino was starting to suffocate me. I stumbled to my feet, half running for the doors to the Strip.

The sunlight shining in my eyes and the breeze hitting my face was nearly surreal after my breakdown, and it helped clear my mind enough to realize the Gomorrah whores across the street were staring at me. I shifted my pack on my shoulder and walked resolutely for the gate to Freeside. Once I was out in the Wastes, I'd find some abandoned shack and mourn my newly acquired loneliness. I knew a few of them would stay, ED-E at the very least, but it would never be the same after this.

A/N: So this whole idea came to me as I kept returning to the Lucky 38, and would see my companions milling around, like they were bored shitless. And I got to thinking: Hey, if I was one of them, I seriously wouldn't put up with being left all the time just because I could die out there.

And a huge thanks for pointing out my gigantic blunder, and correcting Veronica. I'd've preferred Victoria, but oh well :) double checking character names in the future is probably a good idea.

Anyway, epilogue/chapter two/whatever you want to call it is coming soon ;) stick around!


	2. Chapter 2

I went east out of New Vegas, and then south, following the road to the 188 so I wouldn't have to deal with the local wildlife. As I gazed at the bustling overpass, still a fair distance ahead of me, I thought about trading with Alexander, but his distain was unwelcome, and the whole place made me think of Veronica. Not that I really cared what any of them thought, but I was fairly sure if the NCR soldiers saw their heroine crying, it wouldn't help out morale. I needed a place I could go, somewhere I didn't have to be strong. I was so sick of being strong; I craved weakness, if only for a moment.

I stopped for a moment to check my Pip-Boy map, back to my original idea of finding somewhere enclosed and abandoned nearby. I sighed, realizing that there was practically nowhere that fit those descriptions. Realistically, the closest thing was one of the spare bunkers in Hidden Valley. I was likely to be monitored, but I doubted anyone would bother me if I didn't make too much noise.

Destination picked, I pulled out my Gobi and gave the 188 a wide birth, heading across the small valley behind Helios One. I was mindful to sneak around the bark scorpions as I approached the gulch; they weren't really worth my time, despite the caps I could get for their glands. Money wasn't exactly priority now anyway – I could afford a passport to the Strip twenty times over and still keep my gear maintained and packing.

Crouched, I took my time picking off the scorpions I couldn't avoid, glad for the concentration that cleared my mind for the time being. I still wasn't one hundred percent, but it kept me from dwelling on my grief until I had the privacy it necessitated. I allowed myself a little pleasure as I caught a giant radscorpion off guard and crippled its stinger before it even knew I was there. I lined it up through my scope, making the second shot a clean through-and-through while its buddies scrambled around, wondering what the hell was going on. I felt that surge of pride that accompanied taking out a whole pack of enemies without giving away my location. It was made sweeter by the fact that I didn't even have a suppressor on the sniper rifle.

I descended fully into the gulch, not bothering to check the dead wastelander lying at the base of a pile of boulders. He didn't look the part of a prospector, so it was likely his clothes and the rusty knife in his hand were his only possessions. I briefly wondered if he had family missing him wherever he'd wandered from, but the moment of pity was fleeting. There was no point in adding the death of an unknown man out in the middle of nowhere to my long list of worries. I pressed on.

I was nearly to the bunkers when I finally noticed eyes on my six and I mentally berated myself. I had no idea how long I'd been followed, and worse, if I turned to see if it was friend or foe, I'd give away that I knew of their presence. The only thing I could do was keep moving and pray they didn't already have me in their sights. Mind whirling, I tried not to hurry my steps as I clamored over the fallen chain link and into Hidden Valley. I cursed my bad timing; if it'd been night time, I'd've lost the bastard already in the sandstorm.

I made a beeline for the nearest bunker – thankfully not the Brotherhood's entrance – and ducked inside. I didn't relax as the metal doors clanked shut behind me; I needed to find cover before they followed me in. If there was to be fight, I wasn't going to let them have the advantage of the stairs. I was just grateful it wasn't a whole group; whoever the idiot was, they came alone. My mind was already busy making plans to hop over to one of the other bunkers as I squatted down behind an old crate on the floor. Once this was over, I didn't want to have a stinking corpse ruining my sob session. Not that this bunker didn't already have one, I thought grimly as I glanced at the pile of bones on the floor to my left. The giant mound of rubble wasn't adding to the décor any, either.

I heard the doors open and close again, and I raised my rifle, training my sights on the foot of the stairs. For a moment I found myself wishing it was that star-bottle-cap guy. Malcolm Something? Who cared. I'd told him if he stalked me again, I'd beat his ass, and that wouldn't be too unwelcome a fight. Might even be therapeutic.

The moments ticked by, and still I couldn't see anyone descending into the bunker. I focused harder, looking for the telltale shimmer of a Stealth Boy, but finding nothing. I nearly huffed; my soon-to-be attacker was probably just standing at the top of the stairs, hoping that I hadn't heard them and would eventually let my guard down.

"You're planning to shoot me, aren't you?" came a familiar voice and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Boone?" yelled back, lowering my rifle and standing up. He must have heard my movement, because now I could see his boots as he quickly came down the stairs to join me. "What the hell are you doing here?" The Mojave wasn't all that small, after all. We weren't just running into each other here.

"I was following you," he stated simply.

"Yeah, I noticed that much," I grumbled. "I could have killed you."

"Which is why I didn't come down right away. Unlike you, I prefer my head to stay bullet-free." His lips twitched a little, and I had to chuckle, even if the joke was at my expense. "Why'd you come here?" he asked, sniffing and making a face at the gore and debris.

Now I did huff, shouldering my Gobi and heading for the exit, Boone naturally falling into step with me like he always did. My heart ached a little, wondering if this was some sort of prolonged torture he felt I deserved. Hadn't he made it abundantly clear that he wanted to cut ties? "Well it wasn't exactly my first pick, but I thought you were some kind of raider or Legion assassin looking for a fight." Of course, Boone could still be looking for a fight… I inwardly shrugged. If he wanted to kill me at this point, I'd probably let him.

"No, I mean Hidden Valley. We were nearly here before you noticed you had company," he said, implied accusations thick in his tone. I was getting scolded again. He was right though. I wasn't as alert as I should have been. Here I'd been so worried about them going out and getting killed and I go out making rookie mistakes like not watching my back at all times.

I opened the doors and stepped out into the now fading light of the afternoon. If we didn't hurry to another bunker, we'd be caught in that sandstorm, and while it would have been useful earlier, now it would just be unpleasant. We quickly headed to the north-eastern corner, where the NCR ranger had once camped out. "I just wanted somewhere quiet I could think," I said finally as we reached the doors and ducked in. It was a tiny white lie; I didn't need him scoffing at my plan to cry my eyes out for the next ten hours. I sighed, knowing I'd have to put that off until he got bored and left again.

"You could have done your thinking at the Lucky 38," he said, eying me as I kicked a tin can across the floor.

"It's _too_ quiet there. Believe me, I've tried. I've spent hours in the Cocktail Lounge trying to figure out what direction we should go with this stupid war." I shook my head, not liking to admit that I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I sunk down to the floor by the campfire and put my face in my hands. "It was simpler in DC. Right and wrong weren't so blurred. There were the bad guys we had to kill and the good guys we had to help. We'd either succeed in purifying the Delta, or we wouldn't." I didn't know why I was opening up to him about my past. I'd never told any of them, figuring I was already too much of a celebrity out here.

Boone sat across from me, not saying anything for a while. He did a lot of staring, like he was waiting for me to continue, but I didn't plan on it. He was a big part of my worry with the war; he may not be in the army anymore, but he was still NCR and it would hurt him deeply if I pushed for an independent New Vegas and wiped them all out. Eventually he looked away and left me in relative peace.

We ate some of the food the ranger had left behind, silently chewing our centuries-old meal while he gave me room to 'think.' I couldn't help it though; I kept coming back to his presence. I just couldn't understand it, after walking out the way he did. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know. "Hey Boone?" I asked quietly, not liking to be the one to break the silence.

"What is it?" he asked back, looking at me. There was no judgment. Not even curiosity. It was like he trusted me fully to either tell him what he needed to know, or ask whatever I needed.

I felt the tears prick my eyes again, and I did my best to keep them from my voice as I spoke. "Why did you come back?"

Boone's brow creased, like he didn't understand. "I never left," he stated, still looking at me like I'd sprouted a third eyeball.

I frowned this time. "You left before I did. You were already gone when I headed out."

He shook his head. "I was waiting for you in the casino when you came down. You were alone, so I followed you when you left."

I flushed, knowing he had to have seen me attack the tables. Had to have heard me scream. "I circled the casino, I didn't see you," I tried to reason.

"I was in the upper lounge, grabbing a drink. You never even looked up."

The tears broke free with my increasing confusion. "But – "

"You said I didn't have to wait anymore. I knew if I said anything at the time, the others would argue to go with you instead. So I waited downstairs. I _wouldn't_ have taken no for an answer," he finished, nearly growling. "I get why you didn't want us, but your logic is flawed. You assume that you caring for us out-weighs us caring for you. And you're wrong."

I was sobbing at this point, feeling stupid as I tried to hide my face from him. It wasn't like not seeing me cry would make him any less aware of it. "I'm so scared," I nearly moaned. "I don't want to lose you."

I felt his arms encircle me, and I tried not to flinch. It wasn't unpleasant or anything; he'd just never touched me before. I always thought that the first time we'd come in physical contact with one another, it would be in a fight. I wondered when he'd scooted close enough to hold me; I hadn't even heard him move. "You think I don't worry every time I see you walk out that door? Even when you have someone else with you, it's not enough. If something like Bitter Springs happens again, and I'm not there to watch your back…" he trailed off, tightening his grip on me minutely.

I hiccupped, sniffing as the tears abated. There was something so comforting about having him this close, I couldn't stay upset. "So you don't want to leave?" I whispered, still too stunned to voice my hope any louder.

"No, idiot," he laughed. "I want to stay. And I'm not waiting for your permission to do it. We make too good a team for us to do things separately. The others will just have to deal with it."

I shifted between his legs, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest, feeling a bit like a kid with the gesture. "What about Rex, or ED-E?" I mumbled, smiling now.

Boone hesitated. "I guess ED-E could come. Rex still doesn't like me."

I leaned back slightly, looking up at him with amusement. "That's because you never take off your beret. He doesn't like Cass either." He smirked that 'fat chance' grin of his and I was tempted to risk my life and take the challenge. It was just too nice to move, though.

We fell into a comfortable silence for a while, and for once I didn't sit there fretting over things like I normally did when I had enough time to let my mind wander. Boone rubbed my back absently, stopping abruptly when I sighed with contentment. I felt him stiffen and I leaned back, looking at him with concern. "Sorry," he said, not meeting my eyes. "I haven't held anyone but Carla like this."

I sat up, smiling as best I could for him. I didn't say anything, just gave him some room. I was stupid to think we'd just get all lovey-dovey all of a sudden. That wasn't like Boone. Hell, it wasn't really like me, either. I pulled out my rifle and a rag; it may have been painted for the desert, but that didn't mean it didn't need to be wiped down after time in the dirt.

Boone recognized my distraction for what it was and sighed, un-slinging his hunting rifle himself to do similar maintenance. We made it about six and half minutes before he growled and set the gun aside. "I won't stop fighting the Legion for her," he said, still not looking at me. "They're not done paying for what they did." I could see the heat spreading across his face, but I couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or anger as he clenched his fists at his sides. I opened my mouth to say something, but he continued before I could think of something. "I'll always love her; she was my wife… but I need to move on. I can't keep chasing her ghost, hoping it would be the same. That it would be enough."

I kept quiet for a moment, not sure where he was going with all this. When he didn't add anything to his proclamation, I set aside my rifle as well. "You don't have to push yourself, Boone. I know I've never lost a spouse or anything, but when my father died it took me years to get over. That's part of why I came out here; I just couldn't find a place for myself in the Capital Wasteland without him. So you don't have to make yourself do anything you don't want to. Just take your time, let things happen naturally. If killing Legion feels right, then that's what you need to do. And if you find someone new," I blushed, "worry about it then."

He slowly nodded, but hardly looked appeased. "You still don't have to be a part of this, you know," he said, and I had to chuckle.

"How many times have we had this conversation, Boone?" I asked, my grin a little on the sardonic side. "If Bitter Springs didn't answer it for you, let me tell you again: We're in this together. God Himself couldn't stop me from fighting by your side."

He grunted out a half laugh at that, but sobered quickly. "Yeah, I guess that answers it."

I returned to my rifle with renewed enthusiasm, checking the action for anything that might try to jam it before wiping it down again. "Thanks," I said with a smile, not looking up. "For not leaving me."

There was a moment before I heard his answer. "No problem," he eventually replied.

A/N: Thus, the Boone-lust continues xD Poor Courier. I wanted to end this with him pushing her up against the wall… but it was already too OOC for my liking. Sadnesses. Better luck next time, Nicole.

And I couldn't resist having Boone follow her. It was so much sweeter than him just running off in a huff never to be seen again. So go ahead, call me a sap. That's why it's my story and not yours ;P


End file.
